!!!~ACTION ALERT~!!!

From NCADV Public Policy Office

WE DID IT! The ABC News television show 20/20 has heard you loud and clear. They are now considering producing an hour-long story on a MOTHER who has suffered/is suffering from domestic violence and has had a negative experience within the family court system.   Read More...

Le Chrysalis - October 2008 Issue

Le Chrysalis Circular

The October edition of Le Chrysalis is updated!  Come check it out!


Le Chrysalis is a circular provided by United Angels Against Domestic Violence (UAADV).  The purpose of this circular is to provide information, resources, updates, empowerment and more to DV victims and survivors, as well as for advocates to share with those they are working with.   Le Chrysalis will be published every other month in the middle of the month, and the Dear Chrysalis portion is updated weekly.

Le Chrysalis October 2008 Issue

Le Chrysalis Main Article
The Awareness Behind the Awareness - The following is the little talked about/known signs of abuse, and ideas for DV Victims, Survivors & Loved Ones... Read More

What's new with UAADV?
There's a lot of wonderful things going on within UAADV!  Read More

Action Alert
This month we have 2 Action Alerts that we feel needs to be shared... Read More

Survivor Stories
This has been a hard and emotional battle.  Eight years ago I was being abused by my ex emotionally, physically and mentally.  At times I thought I was losing my mind.  I did indeed lose everything I had in my life.  I ran for my life because he threatened to kill me because I told his family about his drugs... Read More

Empowered Teen
This month we are sharing with you the UAADV Teen Blog, they've got some new things going on!  Read More

Empowerment Technique
Make a list of what you enjoy doing, even if you do not spend much time doing that activity, if you enjoy it then put it on your list. This may seem like the same exercise as last week but this is different. This list would include things like reading, crafting, drawing, etc. Things that you consider... Read More

Empowerment Resource
With this month being DV Awareness Month, we wanted to share with you an easy and affordable way you can help Empower... Read More

Dear Chrysalis
This is a new section of Le Chrysalis, which will be updated weekly with letters from Victims, Survivors, Advocates, Friends and Families.  Our mission with this section is to help & continue support of all of the above by having viewers leave comments to show support and help those that need it, while raising awareness of the issues... Read More

Survivor Poems
This issues poem is entitled My Heart... Read More

Survivor Made DV Awareness Graphic
We would like to share a few graphics that were sent to us for this months circular... Read More

Empowered Survivor
Rozetta is a survivor.  Her life struggles began the day she was born and was taken home to a shack in a place called Tin Can Holler in Athens, TN.  As a child Rozetta witnessed domestic violence and lived in poverty.  Her father was an alcoholic and a habitual criminal.  When she was seven years old her father brutally murdered her mother... Read More

Survivor Stories

Earlier this month, in talking to one of our members I was so relieved and happy that a tremendous amount of change and growth had occurred with her, and I am so Proud of her, and she knows it too! I’ve known her now for over 3 years, and I can tell you truthfully that many times during those 3 years I was very concerned for her. She had much support, and many trying to help guide her to taking steps to better her situation, and I know she took that information in. She just wasn’t ready to implement it yet. It took something drastic to finally push her out of her cocoon, but once she was, she’s truly spread her wings and is now flying in the right direction. I asked her to share her story for Le Chrysalis, and it is below…….

Her Story

This has been a hard and emotional battle. Eight yrs ago I was being abused by my ex emotionally, physically and mentally. At times I thought I was losing my mind. I did indeed lose everything I had in my life. I ran for my life because he threatened to kill me because I told his family about his drugs. I lived in Florida from 2001 to 2005 then I lost my apartment, my job, communication with my children. They had done everything possible to turn my child against me and keep us from communicating. I left Florida because after losing everything I really had no where to live anymore I had child support I could not pay. I truly felt so lost and alone. I hid myself away for almost 2 years, living alone in a basement of my daughter's home from 2006 until this past summer. I had a warrant out for my arrest due to non-payment of support. The court didn't want to hear I lost my job and was basically homeless. I was taunted on the internet by him and his new wife. I would call my daughter every Sunday evening at 6pm only to have her yell and be rude and nasty, until they stopped me from talking to her altogether.

I fell into a deep depression. I can honestly say that I wished every night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning but I did and each day was just like the other. It seemed my life was over and I would never have peace or see my daughters again.

Then out of the blue my son-in-law told me I had to leave and two days later I was on a bus to Florida. I got to Florida and was so afraid of going to jail as this is where the warrant was sworn out against me.

I was staying with a girlfriend. Even there I didn't move out of the house. I spent most of my time sitting on a back porch smoking cigarette after cigarette. Thinking, “How am

I going to get through all this” and honestly wishing I was dead. I felt so alone and deserted. So much had happened and now I am at the lowest point in my life and don't know how to get back up.

I finally couldn’t take anymore and went to speak to an advocate at the Domestic Violence Center. I also had my Groups where I sent messages. (Non-Custodial Moms-Breaking the Silence (NCM-BTS) is the one that kept me together since 2005, when I happened upon it.) A lot of the times I didn’t want to hear what they were telling me.

Then one day I was checking my email and there was one from my lawyer and simply it said “You need to really come back. It’s the only way you can get to see your daughter.” So simple but yet it finally made sense that running and hiding wasn’t the answer. I had to get back, I contacted different groups and one woman told me to continue hiding but I knew that wasn’t the answer. I met with a group of women whom I told my story too and right after that meeting they took donations up and I went home that night with bus fair from Florida to Pennsylvania. One woman told me not to buy the ticket because she was going to make sure I had a bus ticket and was to use that money to eat.

Meanwhile the advocates in Florida had arranged for the DV Shelter in PA to take me and help me. I was in Florida a month and now it was off to Pennsylvania, the place I never wanted to see again. I arrived there and was met by an advocate and brought to the shelter. I felt so alone and afraid but something happened that was unbelievable. After talking with the advocates at the shelter I realized the only way anything would change is if I wanted it to change. No one was going to fix this but me. First I started by contacting Florida and trying to get the warrant dropped. To my surprise it already was dropped and all I had to do was send $47.50 to have my license reinstated. The shelter took me to public assistance to have me apply for services. I was granted $102.50 every two weeks, food stamps and Medicaid. My very first check I sent the money for my license. I was also walking 4-6 hrs a day looking for a job.

Meanwhile, I was also in touch with my lawyer about my daughter. I had tried to call her and I would get no answer. My lawyer contacted my X directly and finally I was going to see my daughter after 7 ½ years and our conversations going so badly. I felt I was getting so strong emotionally until this point.

We arranged for it to be at a fast food restaurant. I insisted it be a very public place because of all the past abuse from the X and his wife who was to be the supervisor. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her (my daughter). She had grown into a beautiful Teenager! The step-mother was there and would not move away from us. The meeting was shaky but went well. At the end the step-mother stood up in front of my daughter and stated the meeting was over and I was a liar. Needless to say, I called my lawyer and told him what happened and that we need to get her removed as supervisor. So he put in a modification. In the mean time now PA was on me for support and I had 60 days to get a job.

Well, all at once it seemed things started happening. My license was reinstated and I changed it over to PA. A job came through, and public assistance and another agency was able to give me money to buy a car from a nice woman that attends group at the shelter. And I got my own apartment! Then I received notice of hearings that I put in for modification of child support, finally put in for alimony and modification of the custody order. My head was reeling because all three hearings were being held the same day. My lawyer would only handle the custody so I was on my own for the child support and alimony.

So now, the day comes and I go to the Domestic Relations section for the support and alimony and my X’s lawyer walks in and proceeds to tell me that against his advice his client (my X) wants to drop all future support and all arrearages. So the smart mouth that I am I asked “What, did he grow a heart?” I asked what does he want in return, and he said I am to drop the alimony and that the divorce is final so everything is done. I turned and looked him in the eyes and said “No it is not, you should know that. You put in the bifurcation and yes I can go back for alimony and Equitable Distributions of marital assets.” Well, that shut him up. Ha, thought they had a fool. I did agree to give up alimony for him dropping the support.

Now on to the modification of custody that was being heard that day. I had asked that all recording of calls be stopped as I am not afforded that. I also asked that it be restated that I will call my daughter and they will be private between me and her. I also wanted the step-mother removed as supervisor. Well, the lawyers went into the hearing office and were in there for about 10 minutes, then they called my daughter in and she was in there about an hour. When she came out she went over to her father then came to me and said “I want you to come to the football games and come see me play in band competition. I want to see you.” I was so happy I stood and put my arms out to her and she came to me. We hugged and cried in each others arms. I told her I loved her and she said “I Love You Mom”. It was the best moment I could have ever had. I have my daughter and she loves me. After she left my lawyer told me they are ready to make settlement with me and I was surprised at that.

So my life has done a 360 and I am feeling whole again. I know that I am a Survivor and I want to go on and help others because I know the pain and heartache first hand. I will never forget what I have lived through but take from it the experiences to help others going through it and fight for changes.

I stood up and it took a lot and my X now knows I will not back away anymore, and I am not going to live in fear because “Enough is ENOUGH!”

Liz Holst

Action Alert

Madeline's House in Danger of Closing it's Doors...  Read More

Minnesota Court Takes Revenge on Holly Collins... Read More

Action Alert 2

This is a story that I, and so many others, have been following.  Felt that with everything going on within this case at this time, it deserved an Action Alert to gain support for this family.

Hello This is Jennifer (Holly Collins daughter) and this is my update for October 15 2008

Minnesota Court Takes Revenge on Holly Collins

 

photo ~courtesy of Holly Collins, Holly Collins and her son, Chip
 
After returning from 14 years of hiding in Amsterdam and resolving her kidnapping case, the expat mother faces a new legal challenge
 
By Beth Walton Published on October 15, 2008
 
Just a few weeks after Holly Collins returned to the Netherlands, thinking that she would never have to set foot in Minnesota again, her son, nicknamed "Chip," opened the door of their small home in western Holland and was served legal papers.
 
Collin's voice shakes as she translates the document from Dutch to English over the phone.  According to the Order for Enforcement, the 15-year-old and his mother are to appear in Hennepin County Judge Charles A. Porter's courtroom today for yet another hearing.  After more than a decade of having no contact with him, Chip's father, Jeff Imm of Zimmerman, wants the boy back.
 
That night Chip, faced with the fear of being shipped back to a country he has never known and to a father he has no memory of, couldn't sleep.  "He was crying," says Collins.  "He kept saying, 'He won't even visit me and now he is going to rip me out of my school and my family.'  He said, 'Mom, if they take me, can I bring my dog?'"
 
As she talks, Chip interrupts: "I called him 27 times," the teenager says in the background. (Because he is still under 18, Collins did not allow her son to talk to the press.)
 
Holly Collins has a long and tangled history with the Hennepin County Family Court, stretching back to the early 1990's when, after a brutal court battle, she lost custody of the two children she had with her ex-husband, Mark Collins.
 
After the children claimed abuse at the hands of their father, Collins defied the court and fled with them to the Netherlands in June 1994.  She took Chip, who was a baby at the time, along with her.
 
"What was she going to do with the baby, abandon him?" asks her lawyer, Alan Rosenfeld.  "The child wasn't at risk of abuse from Jeff, but Holly was the primary parent taking care of him, and the best thing was clearly to take him with.  At the time she had legal and physical custody - the courts granted her that."
 
Earlier that year, Collins had been awarded full physical custody of the infant by Hennepin County Family Court, says Rosenfeld.  Separated from Mark Collins in 1987, Holly had her third child with Imm in March 1993.  At the time of the birth, Imm wasn't interested in custody, Rosenfeld says.  The father was ordered to pay child support amounting to $4,800 a year, totaling $60,000 so far.
 
Imm did not return phone calls seeking comment.  His lawyer, Valerie Arnold of Tuff & Arnold Law Offices in Maplewood, had little to say about the case.
 
"This is a tragic situation," Arnold wrote in an email.  "Mr. Imm, as the father of the minor child, feels that having this private family matter covered by the media is not in the best interests of his son."
 
When Collins and the baby disappeared, Imm went before Judge Porter seeking a new ruling.  Porter reversed custody to Imm, but ordered the father continue to pay child support in his son's absence - the money would go into a trust fund for the child, and could be used to try to locate Chip, though that is no longer necessary.
 
In 1997 Collins and the children were granted asylum in the Netherlands, where they lived in hiding for the last 14 years.  Late last month, Collins accepted a plea bargain with Hennepin County, which agreed to drop the kidnapping charges in exchange for a lesser plea to contempt of court.  She served her sentence of 40 hours of community service and is currently residing in the Netherlands.
 
Neither Collins nor Chip will attend Wednesday's hearing, says Rosenfeld.  They only recently returned to the Netherlands and it's just not pratical to arrange travel back to the States on such short notice.
 
"I can't really characterize what they are doing in court as anything other than holding their breath and stomping their feet," Rosenfeld says of the court order.  "It's very childish of them.  Sending the house a legal document demanding the kid be uprooted from his home, yanked away from the mother, brothers and sisters he loves, the country he lives in.  None of that is something you rationally do if you want to build a relationship...I don't know how they could ever make an argument that this is in the best interest of the child."
 
For months now, Rosenfeld says, he has been working with the Imm family through their lawyer to restore the relationship between Chip and his father.  Originally, when Rosenfeld thought the kidnapping case would go to trial, he planned visitation between the father and the son during the time the family would be in Minnesota.  But when Collins was offered the plea agreement, "the situation had changed," Rosenfeld says.  "If Holly lived here it would be much easier, but she's in Holland...[Imm] is going to have to travel and he's going to have to make some effort."
 
Rosenfeld doubts that Wednesday's court hearing will result in Collins losing her son.  For Imm to get custody, he would have to travel to the Netherlands and appeal the case in the Dutch courts.
 
"They say they want actual custody, but the judge in Minnesota doesn't have the power or authority to give [Imm] that," says Rosenfeld.  "They have to go to the Netherlands to decide whether or not [Chip] should be sent back."
 
Personal letter from Jennifer (with permission):
 
My little brother answered the front door a few hours ago (10/08/08) to be served with papers from the State Minnesota coincidentally pertaining to his own custody.  According to the documents, my mother is to turn him over to the Hennepin County Family Court on Wednesday morning, October 15th at 9:15 am and be prepared to relinquish custody.
 
Even though "Chip" is almost 16 years old, he was crying like a little boy.  On the phone he said to me "How can Jeff F**ing do this when he won't even come visit me one F**ing time?"  I wanted to tell him that everything woudl be alright, but I knew better.
 
I asked my mom who the judge was.  I couldn't believe it that it was Judge Charles Porter, the same judge who covered up the abuse to me and my brother 16 years ago.  "How can this be happening?" I cried.
 
"It get's worse" my mom whispered.  Judge Porter personally chose the same Guardian Ad Litem, Mary Laughead who also didn't believe our cries for help.  Attorney Laughead was ordered to suddenly replace Michael London when my mom pleaded in court before Judge Porter to review the tape recordings she had made of us children begging Michael London for help.  The judge refused to listen to the tapes, but replaced the GAL immediately.  It didn't matter, the new GAL was insistent that she would not review the case and she continued in the cover up.
 
This is the same Judge who held our pediatrician in contempt of court because he blamed the court for not protecting us.  The doctor was forced to apologize to the judge.
 
My mom's afraid.  My little brother is terrified.  I am not afraid of you Judge Porter!  I will not let you get away with hurting my famiy anymore!
 
The truth is out and the world is watching you!
 
I bet the public to help my little brother remain in the only family he knows and trusts.  
 
Please follow unfolding events on my blog site:
 
http://americanchildrenunderground.blogspot.com/
 
Thanks, 
Jennifer

Action Alert 1

Madeline's House in danger of closing its doors

Originally posted on UAADV Blogs on Oct. 2, 2008

Here it is, the second day of DV Awareness Month, and I read about a Domestic Violence shelter that is in danger of closing next month and really in need of help.  The only one in it's area serving 12 counties!!

I had to go to a shelter when escaping my abusive x-husband, and I don't know where my son and I would be right now if there wasn't a shelter available to take us.  We most likely would have stayed, it was our only way out at the time, and most likely would be dead right now.  I had to share this excerpt now, although I have put the full article here because I feel it's so important, because THIS is the reason that DV Shelters MUST stay open and NEED help!

The home is named Madeline's House after Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell. Her abusive husband killed Mitchell ten years ago. While many tried to protect Mitchell the shelters in the northern part of Virginia were all full and unable to accept her and her children. Her husband was able to get to her and shoot and kill her and then shoot and kill himself.
 
We don't need anymore Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell's, too many are dying already to let a shelter serving so many close it's doors.

This could have been me, this could have been so many others. 

Here it is DV Awareness Month, and I know that times are tough and we are all going over our finances and cutting things down, but every little bit that you can send could truly help this shelter out.  If you could contribute $5 a month towards this shelter, about the price of a pack of cigarettes or a gallon of milk, together we can help keep this shelter going for years to come so that they can continue saving women and children from abuse, and continue to be there for those that need them.

This may not be a shelter in your area since I am sharing this all across the US, but you could be a lifesaver not only to this shelter, but to a Victim that is running for her life, possibly with her children.  Do you truly know something else that your money could be better spent on?

Please, HELP ensure that this DV Shelter does NOT have to close due to financial distress!!!  Please, don't only open your wallets, but open your hearts and send whatever you can.

Please, leave a comment on the original article and show your support with a comment and a donation!
http://www.vancnews.com/articles/2008/09/30/south_hill/news/news01.txt#blogcomments
 
VA - MECKLENBURG COUNTY - The only emergency shelter for domestic and sexual violence victims in south central Virginia is in danger of closing next month, officials said.

Madeline's House was established in 1999 and is operated under the direction of Southside Center for Violence Prevention (SCVP).

The home, which has 33 beds, is located in the Farmville area and serves primarily 12 counties. No one truly needing a safe haven has ever been turned away, Emily Marshall, the executive director, said.
Marshall said, "Madeline's House has suffered many funding cuts over the past several years, yet hasn't turned away any woman or child in crisis. The directors and staff have worked tirelessly to assure these cuts haven't affected critical services for women and children who are fleeing to us for safe haven. But options are running out.

"Don't let Madeline's House doors close," Marshall pleaded. "It just seems that no matter how many options we pursue, it hasn't been enough!" Bernice Hawkins, president of Madeline's House Board of Directors cried. "But we just can't let our doors close! We need help now!"

The board of directors reported that in 2007 Madeline's House provided nearly 3,000 bed night and follow-up services to victims. "This year (2008), we have provided safety and services at an alarming rate," board ember John Milano said. "We have to find a way to stay available to the women and children who need the safe haven and services we can provide. We are appealing to everyone who reads this article to help us by making a donation, no matter how small or great. If we don't have help immediately, unfortunately, we'll have no choice but to close."

The board is pleading for citizens and organizations to consider making a donation now and continuing to support the efforts of Madeline's House. Tax deductible donations can be mailed to SCVP, P.O. Box 563 Farmville, VA 23901 or call 888-819-2926.

"Your donation will help us assure safety and services for victims of domestic and sexual violence who need refuge from their abusers, a secure place where we can help them break the cycle of violence," Marshall said. "We are going to hold on as long as we can. We have had a heart warming response from the community so far."

Marshall noted the efforts of the students at Longwood University to save the home. She said the students organized and went from business to business in the Farmville area seeking support for the shelter. The businesses responded accordingly, Marshall said and as a result on Oct. 1 nearly 30 businesses in Farmville will be donating a portion of their sales to Madeline's House because of the efforts of the college students.
Marshall said she knows that the country is in hard times economically, which relates directly to their decrease in donations. She is seeking to have more people knowing about what Madeline's House does and the number of people they provide services to 365 days a year.

On Atlantic Street in South Hill, in the Mecklenburg Shopping Center, near Subway and The Medicine Shoppe Pharmacy, Madeline's House has a thrift store. The store accepts tax deductible donations of household goods, clothing, toys, appliances and almost anything else. The store ensures the item is sellable and then places it in the store for purchase.

Patrons to the store can bring in their donation and take a look around at the name brand clothing and other great buys offered on items donated to the store. The store is open Tuesday through Saturday.
Marshall said that one in three women have been victims of domestic or sexual abuse. This amounts to a woman abused or assaulted every nine minutes, Marshall said. She said that 50 percent of men who abuse their wives also abuse their children. According to the statistics provided by Marshall 40 percent of girl's ages 14-17 are abuse by a boyfriend and 80 percent of runaways are from homes where domestic violence occurs.
The board of directors said they are now acting as volunteer staff themselves in order to keep the shelter operational. While they receive some grant funding it does not cover all the expenses that are required to meet the needs of those who must have this safe haven.

Marshall said that it cost approximately $113 per person per day to provide the basic needs. These needs are met in a supportive environment. The costs the home incurs to meet the basic needs of the clients include food, clothing and shelter and such overhead cost as utilities, staff services and insurance.

Some of the services, outside of the basic needs, offered by Madeline's House through SCVP is a 24 hour crisis hotline, transportation to shelter & appointments, food and clothing in a loving and supportive family environment.

The shelter provides personalized case management, which includes individual counseling, support groups and court advocacy.

To meet the needs of those who are in Madeline's House children's activities are provided, training and job seeking skills for the women, financial planning and each case is followed up with after departing the shelter.
They continue to reach out to the schools and communities and provide information on domestic violence and sexual violence to all.

The home is named Madeline's House after Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell. Her abusive husband killed Mitchell ten years ago. While many tried to protect Mitchell the shelters in the northern part of Virginia were all full and unable to accept her and her children. Her husband was able to get to her and shoot and kill her and then shoot and kill himself.

On Friday, Oct. 3 in celebration of Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October), a vigil will be held in the Roses Shopping Center on East Atlantic Street in South Hill at 7 p.m. This will be one of three simultaneous vigils' to be held throughout Southside. The others will be held at the Madeline's House Thrift Store in Farmville and in Blackstone at Seay Park. Each participant is asked to bring a candle. For more information call 434-292-1077.

Empowerment Technique

Make a list of what you enjoy doing, even if you do not spend much time doing that activity, if you enjoy it then put it on your list. This may seem like the same exercise as last week but this is different. This list would include things like reading, crafting, drawing, etc. Things that you consider doing when you think of having "me" time.

Now gather a few things from this list into one place so that they are handy as you continue on in your self-healing journey. Have these things (like a good book, writing paper, your favorite craft supplies, etc) handy when doing your self-healing exercise each week. If you begin to feel over-whelmed with your exercise, then stop and pull something from the things you gathered ahead of time and spend some time just enjoying that activity.

Return to the exercise later. Either later that day or the next or the next, it doesn't matter when. Remember to work at your own pace throughout all of these exercises.

You may want to put all of the things you gather into one container and if you are the creative type you may want to decorate this as your enjoyment container.

Remember to do at least one thing that makes you feel good each day and add to that one thing you enjoy doing. Taking time to make yourself feel good and to enjoy an activity each day will put you in a better frame of mind to begin healing. Continue throughout to do one thing from each of these lists daily.

This Empowerment Techniques was taken with permission from Tailored Life Coaching

Main Article

The Awareness Behind the Awareness

The following is the little talked about/known signs of abuse, and ideas for DV Victims & Survivors

Subtle Abuses
 
Donald, a prior abuser helped add content to the subtle abuses listed here, and his view as a prior abuser as to what some abusers mean by them.

Lying – Everyone wants to be their best when meeting someone, yet, it is not good that a anyone lies to you and says what you want to hear in order to get you to like them. While this can be innocent, this is something that abusers do. They learn what you like, and fashion themselves after what you like so that they can get into a relationship with you and gain your love. It’s hard to continue doing this, and most abusers stop and take off their mask after they feel that their relationship with their victim is sealed, and that their victim is “primed” to their abuse. The lying and manipulation will continue throughout the relationship, whenever the abuser feels there’s a need for it and he can profit from it.


Arguing – Abusers like to argue, this is usually his way to test the waters early on in the relationship. By seeing how much he can argue, what he can get away with, and how quickly he can get you to come to his side of the argument or forgive him for an argument that simply started from something trivial, it’s his way of gauging the victims reactions to further abuse later. This can also be used by the Abuser to leave the home, stating that he needs a break or a cool down period, when in reality, many times abusers will use this so that he can go and do what he wants. He will do this mostly if he is into drugs, alcohol, or other things that he’s trying to hide from the victim or would create another argument and maybe prevent him from doing it. Abusers can get mad & hurt as well during the argument, but mostly at themselves for getting into the situation, or getting caught or questioned, and takes it out on the victim.

Alcohol & Drug Use – This encompasses financial, emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse. Abusers use this as one of their reasons they abuse. They have a problem, therefore its ok. The truth is, alcohol and drug use do NOT cause an abuser to abuse, but can bring out abusive tendencies that they already have. Many times, as was touched on above, abusers will argue and fight so that they can leave and do their drugs or drink their alcohol if you are trying to prevent them from doing so. They know it’s wrong, and that they are hurting those around them, but their selfishness keeps them from caring about that.

Verbal Threats to Self - “I want to kill myself” “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” “I’ll die without you” When the abuser states something such as this, or close too, he’s testing the Victim to see how much she cares, and what he can get away with. Whether he may feel like it at that point is not important, but what he’s trying to achieve with his victim is.

While an abuser is afraid of loosing their victim in their own twisted reasoning, these are said so that the victim will pity them, so that the focus is taken off of the victims pain and the victim feel sorry for them. So that the victim will say things like “I Love You” “I will never leave you” or “It’s ok” so that their web of control tightens even more around the victim, so that they can use this as another means of controlling her. Many abusers will also go as far as packing their belongings (or making a show of doing so) and saying they are leaving the victim, so as to insight fear into her that they are leaving her, the whole time wanting her to beg them to stay and show them how much she loves them. Because no matter how much they abuse their victim, abusers are also insecure and need their victim to want them, love them, and want her to want him to stay. They test this by pushing the victim away, and rewarding her efforts to have them stay by being who she wants them to be for a time through a honey moon phase.

They want to see how much a victim will take, to put fear into the victim that he’s leaving, so the victim won’t stop him from doing what he wants to do the next time. Also, if children hear, they will help the abuser by crying and trying to convince the victim to let him stay.

Getting Children Involved – Abusers aren’t stupid. They know that any Mother will do anything to keep their kids happy, and protect them from being involved or hearing the abuse. The abusers bank on this fact, and use it whenever they can. Abusers will raise their voices for the children to hear what they have to say, wanting you to quite him down by agreeing with whatever he has to say and doing anything they say so that the kids don’t hear and get involved.

They will say things to the children like “I’m leaving now, you wont have a Daddy anymore” “Have a good life” “Your Mother doesn’t love me anymore” to get the children involved so that they get upset and beg their Mom to let him stay while telling him they love him and crying, giving him what he wanted to begin with.
Abusers will use the children and manipulate the situation with children in any way they can. While being abusive, they don’t care about how the kids feel, if the kids are afraid by their actions, or what the long term affects are on the children because of the abuse. All they care about at that time is getting what they want through whatever means they need too.

Mind Control – Abusers use mind control to put fear into their victim, telling them that something didn’t happen when it did, or that something they said was never said. To many of us, this couldn’t happen to us, because we are in a set of mind that we know what we hear and what is going on around us. With a victim that is broken down, self esteem is shattered, this can truly be a large form of control for the abuser. Victims have been known to come to believe they don’t know how to work the washing machine and dryer correctly without their abuser being there to help them, even though they have done it many years without him. Mind control starts very subtle, but in the end, can break down the fabric of a victim to reduce her into feeling that she can’t do anything without the abusers help.

Build Up – Those of us that have been abused all know when our abuser was building up towards a blow up. We all know the signs: moody, walking heavily, slamming things down, closing doors loudly, talking rudely or snapping at you or the children, or being unusually quiet. Many Survivors still trigger when they hear someone slamming something down or closing a door loudly. This is the abusers way of letting you know that you had better do what they want you to do or that they’ll go off. Many abusers use any reason to go off. This leaves the victim living in fear, not knowing when the abuser may go off next, or for what reason. This also leaves the victim wondering what they could do to make the abuser not go off. The sad thing is, is that no matter what the victim does, the abuser would still finally snap. This is not the fault of not having the dinner done on time, or not cooking it right, or not having the house cleaned enough, or not having sex with them that night. The victim is not to blame for the build ups or the final blow up, because it would happen no matter what. Too many victims feel that they are at fault, when what they don’t understand is that this is a normal cycle for an abuser. Too often you can keep a journal and know when the next blow up will occur.

Verbal Put Downs - “You’re ugly” “You can’t do anything right” “You’re too fat” “You need to loose weight” “You’re too stupid to do that right” Many Survivors agree that the verbal abuse is worse in many ways then the physical abuse. That the scars and the pain from physical abuse heal, but the verbal and mental abuse last much longer, and have invisible scars. Abusers love to kill the self esteem of their victims, making it easier for them to control their victims. They make the victim feel that they don’t deserve better, and that they feel they can’t find another man that would want them as bad as the abuser does. This starts slowly, with small comments that don’t seem out of place. “That dress just doesn’t look right on you” “You should have cooked it this way”, and escalates as the abuse continues and the abuser feels more confident that the victim will accept what he is saying.

The Making Up – “I’m sorry” “I Love You” This is what a victim wants to hear, but it’s the abusers way to continue their abuse. The abuser will try and make the victim feel guilty, by trying to pacify the victim when they know they’ve gone too far. Rarely ever sorry for their actions, but an escape to get the pressure off of them so that they can continue doing what they want too.

During the making up, the abuser will usually state that he wouldn’t have yelled/hit/abused if the victim hadn’t done something wrong. At this point, victims are usually so tired and scared from the fight, they just want it to end, and will agree to just about anything to get it to end. The abuser knows this, and banks on this. The abuser will turn on their charms, and get the victim to forget the abuse as fast as possible so that they don’t have to deal with it.

Suggestions for Victims
 
If you have call forwarding on your phone, insure that that is disconnected when an abuser leaves the home and relationship so that he cannot forward your calls to his residence to find out who you may be talking too.
Keep a journal of abuse at work, or ask a friend to keep a journal of the abuse for you. One of the main reasons victims do not keep a journal is because if the abuser finds it, the victim pays for it. Keeping a journal at work, or somewhere you visit weekly (even a friends or family member’s house) is something that should be done. If that wouldn’t work for you, ask a friend that you talk too that knows what is going on to keep a journal for you. A journal can later be given for submission in the courts in a Domestic Violence case. This will help keep all the abuse straight, show a pattern of abuse, and insure that nothing is forgotten. A time line is important for the courts to see.

If you are a Victim, tell your friends and family what is going on. Do NOT stay Silent!!!! It’s the silence that will kill you! Your friends and family need to know what is going on, so that when you are in need of help, they can know how to help and when you need it. As Victims, we wear our masks and show the world that we are happy in our relationships and nothing is going wrong. These masks protect us, and make it so that we can continue through the abuse. These masks can still stay on, but take them off whenever it is safe to do so and let those around you know what is going on so that you aren’t alone in the abuse. So that you have support, and so that you will have those that you can turn to when you are ready to leave the abuse behind. Abusers will isolate you so that you have less support, so that you wont know what they are doing is wrong and wont have support in getting out of your situation.

Survivor Issues
 
Healing from Domestic Violence does take time, it doesn’t happen over night. Unfortunately, against society’s misconception, the abuse doesn’t always stop as soon as the door is closed and the relationship is left. It is very important to get support, and to heal from the past and sometimes current abuse. Here is some issues that we feel need to be shared:

Take Care Of Yourself – Even though it’s hard for many Survivors to understand, we need to take care of ourselves in body and in mind. We can’t heal, be affective in our jobs or taking care of anyone else unless we ourselves have taken the time on ourselves to do so. Many of us feel that we aren’t worth it, or that any time or money needs to be used on the practical things, but we cheat ourselves out when doing this. We NEED to be able to let ourselves know that we are worth that finger nail polish, or a long hot bath at the end of the day with bubbles, a good book, and candle light. In taking care of ourselves, we are then more able to take care of the other things in our lives that need attention.

Get Support – Even years after the abuse we are still healing. Search out for support groups for DV Survivors. Find those that you can talk to that will understand ongoing issues when they happen to arise. Someone you can call if you happen to trigger and need someone to talk too. Don’t kid yourself, healing does take time and can take a life time to achieve, but it also can get better and better as time goes on.

Take time to find yourself before getting into another relationship – Too often we hear Survivors ask if they have a sign on them across their forehead that let’s abusers know that they are potential “Victims”. In many ways, we do!

When we don’t take time after an abusive situation to heal, to find ourselves, to find out what our likes are, to find out what we want in a relationship, and to learn boundaries that we don’t want crossed, we ourselves set ourselves up into getting into another DV situation. While free from the abuse, take time to do all of this, and learn what abuse is. Learn the red flags and the subtle abuses, and learn that you don’t need a man to love you, that you need to learn to love yourself first.

Instead of jumping for the first man that pays attention to you that gives you what you feel you want/need, take time to learn who that person is and what he’s like. Spend more time with him if you feel a connection, but also keep your eyes out for any of the early signs of abuse. If you see any, don’t hesitate to bail out of a relationship! There’s more fish in the sea!

NCM-Issues
 
Heal – You have to heal from your past abuse and get on your feet so that you can be a Mom to your children, whether you get visitation or not. When you are healthy, when you are healing, self esteem and confidence goes up, and abuse is less likely to be able to continue to harm you from the abuser.

Make sure you have support – Many times, friends and family will not understand what you are going through. Many times even abuse organizations don’t fully understand, but it is a great place to get local support and be around others that have been abused and may have lost their children to abusers as well. Loved ones do get tired and frustrated about hearing about your situation; most don’t know what to say or how to help. Turn to those that do! Find those that do understand, and will be there to support you with your NCM issues. There are some safe groups out there, ours included. Find safe support, and don’t close yourself away during your struggles.

Document EVERYTHING – Documentation is very important, more so for an NCM that has to constantly deal with an abusive X. Documentation can be used in court, journals and timelines are very important tools that many NCM’s don’t know about.

Teen Issues
 
Dating Abuse Statistics
· In 2007, the age group with the highest number of domestic and dating violence victims in Texas was 20 - 24 years old. (Texas Dept. of Public Safety - Crime in Texas 2007)
· 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been physically hurt by a dating partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, Feb. 2005.)
· 1 in 4 teens in a relationship report enduring repeated verbal abuse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, Feb. 2005.)
· 1 in 4 teen girls who have been in relationships reveal that they have been pressured to engage in sexual activities. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, Feb. 2005.)
· 62 percent of tweens (age 11-14) who have been in a relationship say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called stupid, worthless, ugly, etc) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, Feb. 2005.)
· Only half of all tweens (age 11-14) claim to know the warning signs of a bad/hurtful relationship. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, Feb. 2005.)

What Parents, Friends, & Co-Workers need to know about Domestic Violence
 
Abusers will do everything they can to isolate their Victims. There’s a lot that you can do to help this from happening:

Support your loved one - As hard as it is to listen, as hard as it is to not commit some Domestic Violence of your own against the abuser, your loved one needs you now more then ever. So many times Victims do know that what their abuser is doing is wrong, but will protect their abuser and take up for them. It’s very confusing to Victims, much less family and friends. While letting your loved one know gently that you don’t agree with what is going on, don’t let the abuser know that you are totally against what he’s doing. This doesn’t mean that you have to give the abuser a hug and kiss (shiver) every time he comes over, but to make him feel unwelcomed/unwanted will give him ammunition to use with your loved one as to why she needs to stay away from you.

Keep the lines of communication open with your loved one – This is very crucial. Your loved one needs this outlet more then anything while going through the abuse. Sometimes it’s best to just listen, and tell her things like “You deserve better”, and “I’m here for you” as much as possible. Your loved one needs to know that you still love her/care for her as much as possible, and that you’ll be there to listen whenever she needs to talk. Get her to talk to you as much as possible, even if this means talking to the abuser and playing nice with him, making him think that you see nothing wrong with what is going on, or that you don’t know/see that something is wrong.

Listen and Believe - Too often loved ones don’t want to believe what is going on. Too often loved ones tell the Victim “Oh, he didn’t mean it like that” “He didn’t really do that, did he?” “It couldn’t have really been that bad!” This makes the victim less inclined to talk about what abuse she is suffering. Often times, the victim will tell a loved one something small that is going on, testing what the reaction is, holding back the full extent of the abuse until she is sure that she isn’t going to be put down or blocked out when she tells. Victims need to be believed! Many times this doesn’t happen, and the result is more isolation, and her feeling that she is alone in her abuse.

Document – Documentation can make or break a court case against an abuser, can make whether the abuser gets charged or goes free. Too many times a Victim does not document for many reasons, and may not be in the state of mind to do so. Every time you talk to your loved one and she mentions abusive situations, write it down in a notebook expressly for that. Write down the date, time, if she contacted you by phone or person, what she says, how she sounds, and even what you say. If possible, take pictures of your loved ones bruises. Sometimes Victims won’t feel comfortable with this, so use other reasons to take pictures such as a group picture, or a pretty day. Many times Victims try to hide bruises; don’t point them out directly if she isn’t ready for you to do so, this could make it so that she doesn’t feel comfortable with you seeing her. When going through a DV case, the judge wants to see a pattern, which is where your documentation can come into play.

Be willing to understand her abuse - Too often Victims will see only portions of the abuse, or their feelings about the abuse will come and go. After an abusive episode, they may be very upset, and mad at the abuser, and be ready to say anything and everything bad about the abuser. After the honey moon phase starts, and the abuser sways them back, they will go back to loving the abuser, forgetting what had happened, and sticking up for their abuser again. This is very confusing not only for the Victims, but for family and friends as well. This is also why many Victims go back on average 7 times before leaving an abuser for good.

The fact is, the Victim loves the abuser, many times thinking that only if they could do things better, if they would only love their abuser more, then things would be perfect. They want the man they fell in love with, and the abuser shows that man again during the honey moon phases, showing the victim and giving the victim exactly what she wants.

Too many times family and friends get fed up with these actions, and finally will have nothing to do with the Victim because she does keep going back, or sticking up for the abuser.

During these times, support the victim, and gently steer her towards talking to a DV Advocate, shelter, calling the DV Hotline, getting educated about what abuse is about. Make sure she knows what to do when she is ready to leave, and how to do it safely. In time, with support and understanding, she will leave for good, and she’s going to need a lot of support when she does.

This isn’t saying bend over backwards every time she leaves and being disappointed when she goes back. There are a lot of things that Victims have to do for themselves, but hopefully with friends and family understanding that this is yet another cycle of abuse, that they will be there to support her through all of it.
Abusers don’t want their Victims to have ties of any kind that will make it easier for their Victim to leave. They will always hate and condemn those that speak bad about them, and point out the abusive ways he’s showing. This is an abusers weakness; they don’t like anyone to know that they are abusive, that they aren’t the perfect Father/Husband/Boyfriend they try to portray to the world. Be ready for this, and through it all, make sure that your loved one knows that you know what is going on, and that you will be there to help in any way that you can, even if that just means someone to listen. When a Victim is fully isolated without friends and family, that is the time they are in the most danger, because then the abuser feels that they can do anything and get away with it.

What’s New With UAADV?

UAADV Blogs 

The state blogs are done by the Volunteer State Reps (VSR's) but ultimately fall under UAADV.  None of the state blogs are out there doing their own thing.  Tracy Hommel, UAADV Founder and Mary Morgan, UAADV National Rep. are working together to keep information up for those that do not have state reps yet.  There is also a UAADV News Blog and Teen Blog.

UAADV Peer Support Groups:

Abused Apply Here (AAH) – AAH obtained 33 New Members within the last 2 months. We have 2 members that are currently in hiding safely after leaving their abusers. 1 member is taking steps in leaving an abusive relationship and taking steps towards healing and gaining support.

Non-Custodial Moms Breaking the Silence (NCM-BTS) – NCM-BTS obtained 20 New Members within the last 2 months.

Member Victories

1 Mom has gotten custody of her daughter that was taken by her “X” 6 years ago, whom she searched for in vain for 6 years since he could not be found. Since custody had never been established between them, the system could not help her find her “X” and her daughter. After abusing his current wife and her obtaining an RO against him for herself and her 2 sons, the wife was leaving him and called the Mom of the 9 year old, not wanting to leave her behind in the abusive environment without her to take care of her and protect her. Mother and daughter were reunited thanks to the Step-Mother. At court, the Mom of the 9yr old now has joint custody with the “X”, no visitations until the GAL assigned can submit his findings. The Step-Mother also got joint custody of her 2 sons, with supervised visitations at the daycare 2x a week, and 2 weekends at the Library and McDonalds supervised by the grandmother.

Way to go Momz for protecting those kids!

1 Mom regained 50/50 custody; 3 Momz regained visitation with their children; 1 Mom has gotten custody of her child after 4 years of off and on visitations (visitations were being complicated by the “X”); 1 Mom is now allowed visits a little, and has been without visits for several months; 1 Mom has had her supervised visitations lifted and is now unsupervised with over nights allowed.

Congratulations Momz!

Member Struggles

Being an NCM isn’t without its struggles. We have 3 Momz without electricity at this time due to having to pay ridiculous amounts of child support. 1 Mom has received eviction papers because of the inability to pay rent due to the ridiculous amount of child support she must pay. With the economy the way it is, many are struggling, more so those that are paying ridiculous amounts of child support which leaves them unable to afford to live. One Mom is paying over $400 a month for her child support on one child, with the father making over $70,000 a month himself, with her only bringing in a little over $600 a month with her disability before child support is paid. This is truly an issue………….

Angels Outreach Ministries (AOM) – AOM obtained 4 New Members within the last 2 months.

We have 1 new member that is truly taking the steps necessary towards healing and reconnecting with God. We also have a member that has given up her anger towards God and has come to terms with her abuse within the last 2 months. We are very Proud of these members!

Some of the members on the AOM group are participating now in an on-line Bible Study. The group is now in the second Lesson in “10 Reasons To Believe In A God Who Allows Suffering”. It is a very informative, and we believe a very important study. We are using “Christian Courses” studies in case you would be interested yourself in taking a look, and feel free to join AOM and do the studies with us! We feel that in order to heal from the trauma that you have been through, you must have a belief to hold on to. This is just one way we are being guided to help those get in better touch with their beliefs and take the steps towards healing.

Wings of Hope - Crafty Angels (WOHCA) – WOHCA obtained 2 New Members within the last 2 months.

WOHCA members are still working on making or buying totes for the Christmas Project. These totes will be filled with items that shelter residents need or Christmas presents at the members discretion. If you would like more information, or would like to contribute to this project, please contact Mary Morgan at UAADV.National@gmail.com. Thank You to those that have sent in bags and goodies to go into these totes! It is truly appreciated by us, and we’re sure the victims that receive them will appreciate them as well.

This month, WOHCA will be donating a crocheted afghan to a 7 yr old that lost her Mother last month when she was gunned down in cold blood by her ex-boyfriend in the parking lot of her apartment building, on her way to work. In conjunction with Sheila’s Shawls, a Shawl will also be donated to the Mother of the murdered victim. Pictures and more information will be available on the WOHCA blog when items are finished.  http://www.wohca.blogspot.com/

Graphics for DV Awareness (GDVA) – GDVA obtained 1 New Members within the last 2 months.

One of our members made a YouTube video for Teen Dating Violence. Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dpBs4g_O7o

We will also be sharing some graphics from this group under the “Survivor Made DV Awareness Graphic” section, and 2 were shared under the “Action Alert”.

UAADV Advocates (Advocates) – The Advocates group obtained 2 New Members within the last 2 months.

We have new members that have dealt with Teen Dating Violence, unfortunately loosing loved ones in the process. We welcome them, and all Advocates that are willing to share to help build a better tomorrow.

Empowered Teen

This month we would like to share with you what the UAADV Teen Blog is up to!

We need to reach out to the Teens and Empower them so that they don't end up in a Domestic Violence situation.  This blog is one of the ways in which we are doing that.  Geared to Teens to give them an outlet, and a place to learn age appropriate lessons in dating situations.

"Since this is the first weekly write-up I would like to explain what this blog is for. I will be talking about teen dating and relationships. I will give the reader scenerios I or my friends have encountered (aided by pictures!) and then I will give you a question emailed to me by a reader..."  Read More

Dear Chrysalis

Letter from Shelter Worker

I’m working with a victim of domestic violence that I could use some support in helping. She is a Mother of 2 children, and even after being out of the abuse for some time now, doesn’t seem to want to do anything for herself or her children. She just doesn’t know how to be a Mom, doesn’t know how to live outside of the abuse, and I’ve run out of ideas in helping her. Was wondering if anyone else out there has had a case like this, and would have some tips or resources that I could look into in helping her get to where she needs to be. She has time left in the shelter, but I know that at some point, she has to be able to leave and support her and her children by herself, with no family or friends, and I want to make sure she gets to that point before she does leave. Any advice or resources that can be shared would be appreciated. At this point, no one else really knows what to do either.

Letter from Victim

I need help but don’t know what to do or where to go. My abuse is not that bad, he doesn’t hit me and doesn’t leave bruises, just yells at me a lot and scares me. I have 3 kids with him, and he is a really good Dad to them most of the time. It’s just me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know why he yells at me so much and calls me names all the time. He doesn’t usually do it in front of the kids but I know they can hear. They act different after he yells at me, quiet.

I don’t think that I need to leave, can’t anyway, don’t have the money to. I just need to know what to do. What can I do to make it better? I’m afraid to leave, he’s always told me that I can leave, but I have to leave the kids with him. I don’t have the money to support them and haven’t worked in 8 years, and don’t want to leave my kids. I don’t want to stop being a full time Mom to them. I’m just so confused, and just don’t know what to do anymore.

*These letters have been posted with expressed permission.*

If you would like to submit a letter to gain support and advice from our readers, please write to LeChrysalis@gmail.com .   Please insure that you add that you are giving your permission to share your letter on the next issue of Le Chrysalis.

Survivor Poem

My Heart

The heart; handled with care,

A delicate package; what an honor to share,

Full of anger and rage

I begin to set the stage,

A life full of fear

I see it shed a tear,

The tears come and go

My heart bleeds; that much you know,

It's been broken and abused

The heart is crushed and used,

With chains to keep it locked away

Alone I sit here and pray,

Lord heal this broken heart

That I may have a new start,

This is a lesson all my own

To trust shows that I have grown.

Leslie A. Cogswell
November 2001

Survivor Made DV Awareness Graphic

 

Here it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I'm not seeing much purple, are you?
 
I see PINK everywhere!  In the stores, on the TV in commercials, on the news, yet I'm not seeing much purple out there.  On "Tic Tacs", soup cans, batteries, M&M's, yet, where's the Purple?
 
Don't get me wrong here, but I get really upset in seeing all the pink and no purple.  My Mother is a Breast Cancer Survivor, so I'm very thankful to everything that the Cancer Society is doing, but at the same time, know that we in the DV field have so much further to go to bring out the awareness, and so much more that we can do so.
 
It's no wonder that most Victims and Survivors of Domestic Violence don't even know that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I know that I didn't.  I know that during my abuse I didn't hear about domestic violence.  I didn't even know until years after I was out and had been an Advocate for a few years that our Awareness color was Purple.  Go Figure?
 
I know that everyone is doing all they can to bring out the awareness, I just think that we need to see a bit more purple out there, mostly during the month of October.
 
So, with almost 2 weeks left in this month of Awareness, do you have Purple?

This is a graphic that was given to use for our "Graphics for DV Awareness" group.  Thank You!

This graphic was given to use as a banner for Le Chrysalis.  Thank You!

Thank you for all the graphics, keep making them and let's get the Purple out there!

Empowerment Resource

Tell a GAL P.A.L.

The Allstate Foundation just launched the Tell a Gal P.A.L. program and contest on www.ClickToEmpower.org.

The program encourages people to donate nearly new purses or professional bags to Dress for Success to help domestic violence survivors, or other women in need, get back on their feet with confidence. Purse donations will be accepted at select Allstate agency locations across the nation.

To help kick start this, ABCs Ugly Betty actress, Ana Ortiz, will donate her Onna Ehrlich purse to one lucky winner for telling others about domestic violence. To enter the contest, visit http://www.clicktoempower.com/gal-pal-entry-form.aspx  - the contest ends on October 31.

Please visit HERE to find out what P.A.L. stands for!

Empowered Survivor

 

I was told about Rozetta Mowery and her book "Tragedy In Tin Can Holler" by Yvonne Mason, who was Augusts "Empowered Survivor".  Thank You Yvonne for sharing this contact with me!
 
I was VERY impressed not only with the book, but with Rozetta as a Survivor.  She has taken a journey that I know many could not make, a journey back into the truth.  I just had to spotlight her here in this issue, for she truly is an Empowered Survivor, that now takes all that she's gone through and learned and is going out and making a difference.
 
My life has been truly touched from my contact with Rozetta Mowery and reading her book, and I know that yours will be as well.
 
Rozetta Mowery
 
Rozetta is a survivor.  Her life struggles began the day she was born and was taken home to a shack in a place called Tin Can Holler in Athens, TN.  As a child Rozetta witnessed domestic violence and lived in poverty.  Her father was an alcoholic and a habitual criminal.  When she was seven years old her father brutally murdered her mother.  She suffered psychologically from the trauma of her mother's death and from being separated from her siblings in numerous foster homes.  She developed a speaking impairment and received treatment from a speach therapist for over a year to learn how to speak again.  No one ever envisioned that this little 7 year old girl who couldn't speak clearly would someday be speaking to thousands of people.
 
Rozetta spent over twelve years of her childhood in abusive foster homes after witnessing domestic violence in her own home.  She was also a Holston United Methodist Home child in Greenville, Tennessee.  The Christian principles and teachings and faith in God, which she learned from the Holston United Methodist Home for Children, always remained with her.  Even though all the odds were against her she survived and become a productive and responsible member of society.  She was determined to prove to herself and others that there are no brick walls.  She never wanted to be labeled, "one of those kids", whether it was because she came from a place called Tin Can Holler or because she was a foster child.  She graduated from high school as a member of the National Honor Society and was on her own at the age of eighteen.  The U.S Forest Service in Cleveland, TN  was her first employer.  She met and married her first husband and they moved to Florida in the early 1970's.
 
After eighteen years of suffering domestic violence in two marriages she attended Floriday Keys Community College to obtaine her Floriday real estate license.  She worked for large corporations in south Florida as an executive assistant and worked part-time as a realtor in the Florida Keys where she lvied for over twenty-eight years and raised her three children alone.  Because of her experience with domestic violence she never remarried again.  In 2002 she relocated to Port St. Lucie, Florida to pursue other interests.
 
When Rozetta's youngest child turned twenty-one in 2006 she sold her home and quit her job with a major corporation to begin her quest to find out the truth about her family and her mother's murder.  Her mother's spirit  was calling her to return to the place of her birth and to Tin Can Holler where it all began in 1959.  On May 30, 2006 she left her children and grandchildren and returned to Tin Can Holler.
 
She always yearned to know the truth about her family, especially why and how her father murdered her mother and the circumstances that surrounded her family.  Her novel, "Tregedy in Tin Can Holler" which chronicles her life and what happened to her family, was released in May 2007.  Her book is an outlet to warn others about the dangers of domestic violence and the horrible aftermath of what happens to the children.
 
On August 10, 2008, after spending 26 months in TN researching, writing her book and assisting with fundraisers, Rozetta rejoined her immediate family in Florida.  Discovering the truth about her family changed her life completely and sent her on a mission she never thought was possible.  Today, Rozetta is an advocate speaker against domestic violence and assists with fundraisers to promote and support domestic violence programs and shelters.  She is also a spokesperson for CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) for children in the states foster care programs and the United Methodist Homes for Children nationwide.  She lives with her daughter Natasha in Riverier (area of Tampa) where she has regrouped and will continue her fundraising efforts to bring awareness to the public regarding the dangers of domestic violence and how it destroys lives and families.  She also has a special place in her heart for foster children because she was a foster child and will continue to encourage people to get involved in their local communities and to support their local CASA Chapters.  The foster children need a voice and through the wonderful volunteers that work for CASA they have may voices.
 
If you would like to have Rozetta speak to your group, church or civic organization and hear her amazing story of how she came from tragedy to triumph, please contact Kera Hajek at 865-964-4336 or e-mail: kerahajek@yahoo.com .
 
http://www.tragedyintincanholler.com/index.html

International Man Of Mystery Could Be Hiding Among Us

Harinder Singh Cheema

  I'm sick and tired of seeing Victims Murdered!  Here is a murderer that may be anywhere within the US, and could even be lining up his next victim.  Help bring this Murderer to Justice!  If you have any information on this Monster that killed his wife, leaving 2 children without a Loving Mom, call AMW!

 

International Man Of Mystery Could Be Hiding Among Us

Canadian homicide detective Denis Hogg is determined to track down a man he calls a "cold-blooded" killer. Harinder Singh Cheema is wanted for stabbing his wife to death and abandoning his two young children. Cheema could be hiding in the U.S., and Hogg needs your help to track him down.

 

Has gone by Singh or Peter Gomes

 

Last December, cops say 28-year-old Harinder Cheema asked a Montreal babysitter to watch his two small children while he looked for his missing wife, Gurpreet Kaur. The babysitter agreed, but police say when Cheema phoned to say that he was traveling across Canada to continue his search, her family demanded that he return to pick up the young children.

The next morning, with no sign of Cheema, Montreal police drove to his apartment complex and peered into his window. Inside, they saw Gurpreet's lifeless body sprawled across the living room floor. Now, AMW is joining an international hunt for Cheema in hopes of taking down the man who police are calling a cold-blooded killer.

AMW Correspondent Jon Leiberman says that Dennis Hogg, the detective responsible for the Cheema investigation, is one of the most dedicated law enforcement officials he's ever met. Jon says that even though this story originated in Canada, Dennis was determined to get it on America's Most Wanted because of the show’s success in capturing fugitives all over the world.
Several of Dennis' colleagues doubted that he could ever get the case featured on American TV, but Dennis set out to prove them wrong.

"All of the police reports were in French when Dennis came to us," Jon says, "and he took the time to translate every document into English to make things easier for us."

Police say that Cheema may still be hiding out north of the border, but there's a good chance that he's crossed over into the United States. Log on to AMW.com to hear Jon’s interview with Detective Hogg. Then, join us Saturday night on the hunt for the fugitive who cops are calling an International Man of Mystery.

AMW FUGITIVE DATA FILE

Madeline's House in danger of closing its doors

Here it is, the second day of DV Awareness Month, and I read about a Domestic Violence shelter that is in danger of closing next month and really in need of help.  The only one in it's area serving 12 counties!!

I had to go to a shelter when escaping my abusive x-husband, and I don't know where my son and I would be right now if there wasn't a shelter available to take us.  We most likely would have stayed, it was our only way out at the time, and most likely would be dead right now.  I had to share this excerpt now, although I have put the full article here because I feel it's so important, because THIS is the reason that DV Shelters MUST stay open and NEED help!

The home is named Madeline's House after Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell. Her abusive husband killed Mitchell ten years ago. While many tried to protect Mitchell the shelters in the northern part of Virginia were all full and unable to accept her and her children. Her husband was able to get to her and shoot and kill her and then shoot and kill himself.

We don't need anymore Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell's, too many are dying already to let a shelter serving so many close it's doors.

This could have been me, this could have been so many others. 

Here it is DV Awareness Month, and I know that times are tough and we are all going over our finances and cutting things down, but every little bit that you can send could truly help this shelter out.  If you could contribute $5 a month towards this shelter, about the price of a pack of cigarettes or a gallon of milk, together we can help keep this shelter going for years to come so that they can continue saving women and children from abuse, and continue to be there for those that need them.

This may not be a shelter in your area since I am sharing this all across the US, but you could be a lifesaver not only to this shelter, but to a Victim that is running for her life, possibly with her children.  Do you truly know something else that your money could be better spent on?

Please, HELP ensure that this DV Shelter does NOT have to close due to financial distress!!!  Please, don't only open your wallets, but open your hearts and send whatever you can.

Please, leave a comment on the original article and show your support with a comment and a donation!

http://www.vancnews.com/articles/2008/09/30/south_hill/news/news01.txt#blogcomments

VA - MECKLENBURG COUNTY - The only emergency shelter for domestic and sexual violence victims in south central Virginia is in danger of closing next month, officials said.

Madeline's House was established in 1999 and is operated under the direction of Southside Center for Violence Prevention (SCVP).

The home, which has 33 beds, is located in the Farmville area and serves primarily 12 counties. No one truly needing a safe haven has ever been turned away, Emily Marshall, the executive director, said.

Marshall said, "Madeline's House has suffered many funding cuts over the past several years, yet hasn't turned away any woman or child in crisis. The directors and staff have worked tirelessly to assure these cuts haven't affected critical services for women and children who are fleeing to us for safe haven. But options are running out.

"Don't let Madeline's House doors close," Marshall pleaded.
"It just seems that no matter how many options we pursue, it hasn't been enough!" Bernice Hawkins, president of Madeline's House Board of Directors cried. "But we just can't let our doors close! We need help now!"

The board of directors reported that in 2007 Madeline's House provided nearly 3,000 bed night and follow-up services to victims. "This year (2008), we have provided safety and services at an alarming rate," board ember John Milano said. "We have to find a way to stay available to the women and children who need the safe haven and services we can provide. We are appealing to everyone who reads this article to help us by making a donation, no matter how small or great. If we don't have help immediately, unfortunately, we'll have no choice but to close."

The board is pleading for citizens and organizations to consider making a donation now and continuing to support the efforts of Madeline's House. Tax deductible donations can be mailed to SCVP, P.O. Box 563 Farmville, VA 23901 or call 888-819-2926.

"Your donation will help us assure safety and services for victims of domestic and sexual violence who need refuge from their abusers, a secure place where we can help them break the cycle of violence," Marshall said. "We are going to hold on as long as we can. We have had a heart warming response from the community so far."

Marshall noted the efforts of the students at Longwood University to save the home. She said the students organized and went from business to business in the Farmville area seeking support for the shelter. The businesses responded accordingly, Marshall said and as a result on Oct. 1 nearly 30 businesses in Farmville will be donating a portion of their sales to Madeline's House because of the efforts of the college students.

Marshall said she knows that the country is in hard times economically, which relates directly to their decrease in donations. She is seeking to have more people knowing about what Madeline's House does and the number of people they provide services to 365 days a year.

On Atlantic Street in South Hill, in the Mecklenburg Shopping Center, near Subway and The Medicine Shoppe Pharmacy, Madeline's House has a thrift store. The store accepts tax deductible donations of household goods, clothing, toys, appliances and almost anything else. The store ensures the item is sellable and then places it in the store for purchase.

Patrons to the store can bring in their donation and take a look around at the name brand clothing and other great buys offered on items donated to the store. The store is open Tuesday through Saturday.

Marshall said that one in three women have been victims of domestic or sexual abuse. This amounts to a woman abused or assaulted every nine minutes, Marshall said. She said that 50 percent of men who abuse their wives also abuse their children. According to the statistics provided by Marshall 40 percent of girl's ages 14-17 are abuse by a boyfriend and 80 percent of runaways are from homes where domestic violence occurs.

The board of directors said they are now acting as volunteer staff themselves in order to keep the shelter operational. While they receive some grant funding it does not cover all the expenses that are required to meet the needs of those who must have this safe haven.

Marshall said that it cost approximately $113 per person per day to provide the basic needs. These needs are met in a supportive environment. The costs the home incurs to meet the basic needs of the clients include food, clothing and shelter and such overhead cost as utilities, staff services and insurance.

Some of the services, outside of the basic needs, offered by Madeline's House through SCVP is a 24 hour crisis hotline, transportation to shelter & appointments, food and clothing in a loving and supportive family environment.

The shelter provides personalized case management, which includes individual counseling, support groups and court advocacy.

To meet the needs of those who are in Madeline's House children's activities are provided, training and job seeking skills for the women, financial planning and each case is followed up with after departing the shelter.

They continue to reach out to the schools and communities and provide information on domestic violence and sexual violence to all.

The home is named Madeline's House after Madeline Gerhardt Mitchell. Her abusive husband killed Mitchell ten years ago. While many tried to protect Mitchell the shelters in the northern part of Virginia were all full and unable to accept her and her children. Her husband was able to get to her and shoot and kill her and then shoot and kill himself.

On Friday, Oct. 3 in celebration of Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October), a vigil will be held in the Roses Shopping Center on East Atlantic Street in South Hill at 7 p.m. This will be one of three simultaneous vigils' to be held throughout Southside. The others will be held at the Madeline's House Thrift Store in Farmville and in Blackstone at Seay Park. Each participant is asked to bring a candle. For more information call 434-292-1077.

AngelFlight.com - People Helping People in Need

Angel Flight was created by a group of pilots who believe in the benefit of volunteering. We strive to keep all aspects of the organization volunteer. We are a non-profit charitable organization of pilots, volunteers, and friends. We will arrange free air transportation for any legitimate, charitable, medically related need. This service is available to individuals, and health care organizations. We will also arrange transportation of those people who are financially distressed, or who are in a time-critical, non-emergency situation due to their medical condition.

For more information:  AngelFlight.com - People Helping People in Need

Face Forward

 The mission of Face Forward is to provide facial surgical reconstructive services for women and children who have been victims of violence through gang aggression or domestic violence. Such injuries are devastating, and we primarily offer facial reconstructive services for affected innocent individuals.

To learn more visit:  Face Forward